I love you

What a long time do not update to my blog here. An unhappy thing been happen to me again. My heart is deeply hurt by some one. The one who i love is a very nice guy, he is very caring and lovely. I do to Love him very much, but 2009 Dec 10, he sms to me and told me that 'can we be a good friend.' I knew him from internet with Tagged webpage. I still remember first day we know each other, if i am not mistaken it was nearby end of Jun 2009. Firstly, we do msn every day and i am very lucky that he will be back to home town too. He ask me from msn, would you like to meet me as well. I was like so exciting and answer to him, ya sure. He is looking cute from msn's cam. Once we meet, it was like super different from cam there. And he is very handsome for me.

We are started attach. He is caring enough. But he did ask me for a question, erm... is that we are attach too fast and rush? i told him, No! It's not, i do to love you. No matter the condition is going to be tough, i will still be your side. I am REALLY love you. I even told him when we are argue, argue mean to something happen. If problem occur between of us, we need to solve it as well. Because we are a couple, nothing can break our relationship.

Dec 10th 2009, he was send me a message. It's mean to asking me to be friend with him. I was crying on that day, why would it going to be. He is scold me before, he said i am very hot temper and super emotion. I am just thinking, because of i am loving you and caring you only will worry until angry. Am i really love to being that, IT'S NOT. 11th Dec 2009, he came to look for me, and bring some calender to me. It's from Genting. I bring him back to my bed room and siting face to face with him. I am shock because of he is Crying in front of me. I though he is still loving me. And who know, he told me he had a new boy friend out side. I am keep asking, does him working in Genting too? he said yes. I am continue asking, how long you both been together. He answer, just few day.

I am just wonder WHY?? I with him been 5 months, and i will lose to a guy who just knew few days??? The much hurt i get after knew that. But, i am still very love you Xyven.

I can't found any point for myself to stay alive. If i choose for the 'Last Choice' and i will not be here. I do hope to donate out all my organ for others. My wallet there got a Organ Donate card, wish you all let my mum know if i am not here and respect to my idea. I love you friends. I am really love you all very much.

代替品

没有了爱的感觉不敬是孤单，甚至是寂寞的开始，有如同掉进一个无底深潭般的。但是，我总觉得没有爱比有爱的舒服的。为什么我会着呢说呢... ... 我就先来解释一下我自己的需要。我本人是一个绝对型自私的人（在爱情里)我往往会希望我的另一半天天伴与我的身边于左右。也许，我的目标不是女性，打个比方说~女性天生于长情，几乎比较转情和不易再挑目标(意思指不会烂交），所以天天提心吊胆，甚至会有着多余的空想。我的空想是担心他会跑去其他人身上寻找娱乐，我这圈子在所难免会有这样的事情发生。就算发生了，也只不过是家常便饭似的。我也清楚自己不帅也不是什么副家公子。所以，我会时常说‘爱情=金钱+性爱+样子’。我所提到的通通都没有。埃，真是可怜的小鬼呀。
在前几天，我再网络上认识了一个人，在msn上不怎么放自己的照片，但还好他会开视讯。感觉他好好的，我发脾气他会拨电给我，和我聊使我开心的。不久，他回Kampar放假了，他约我去见个面和聊咯，我也答应了。说起来，我也大概两年多没有见网友了。当我看见他时，我会有着很紧张的心情呢！他很帅，笑起来更甜的很，我实在用不着任何形容词曲形容他。第二天，我比较懒惰出去，所以叫他来我家座座较好。当他来到时，他的却是座，但是在我的房间咯，他发觉我不感看他的眼神了，就不断弄我，好像突然伸个头来啦，或是用近距离望我呢！就是因为它太可爱德关系，我很想抱他的。就在我无法控制自己的时候，当他把头伸前来弄我就亲了他。很怀念的感觉回来了，那就是他把我抱紧。应该是太激动吧，眼泪掉了，因为太久没有那感觉了。就从那晚，我对他有了感觉。然后，第三天，他说会和他的朋友去Pangkok岛玩。当时，心情有些忐忑不安，不懂他的朋友是男是女。他会乱来吗？他的朋友会乱来吗？但是，那么近应该也不会有什么事情的。当天，他突然信息我，说道‘我的朋友把我骗了，现在我已经看见槟城的大桥了’。这时，心情开始差了。不久，他又来一封信息，说道会和朋友去clubing。据我所知，槟城是在大马排行第三多gay的州属。这次残了，我多余的空想又开始和我开玩笑了。接着的第二天，他还没回来，甚至到海边了。然后，第三天才回。不过，第三天也会去ipoh那里clubing呢！我的心突然有一种像是没有心跳的感觉。我很担心，我怕我会把他当成代替品。我的初恋。我应该继续爱他吗？或者把它忘掉呢？他会是个playboy吗？或者是每当我遇到爱情就变成天真吗？还是我想得太多吗？Gay的世界是在让我有些恐惧感了，如果说我这次再被骗的话，爱这个字就应该不可能再次出现在我的心中了。开始讨厌自己了，为什么我会是gay呢？（我的华语很差哦，应该会写错很多字的，我现在此说声抱歉哦）

erm....

其实,我很喜欢读部落格的咯,但是我懒惰写>.< 所以至今，大概有一两个月没写啦。希望大家多多包含呢！！

我现在很辛苦

在我的生活中，我往往被称为是一个'冷血'动物的。在感觉方面，我可以很无情的也可以很没有感觉的。但是，我的爱情故事就是从2006年的父亲节前的两个星期前开始。在我的故事开始之前，已经有着一个小小的故事了~
当时的我也是在2006年的3月多开始，由一位朋友~命名为吴X顺。他是第一个真心爱我的人（因该是吧）当时的我，十分享受被爱的感觉~其实我也慢慢被他的爱而感染了，就是叻我已爱上他了。他是在这世上我看见的最有爱心和可爱到不得了的一个男生。当时，他快要到MMU那里。所以我们又经常见面，很担心他走了后就很少见面。再加上~我本人成为‘同志’那么久，所以叻大概大概会知道某些学院或大学里的关系和情况。比如说~Malacca的MMU被称为有一定多的P的大学。（P是指同志PLU的意识）或者霹雳州的金宝KTAR也是很出名的多P。
就有一天，我有位朋友介绍一个人给我认识~当事我们还蛮健谈，也无意中的爱上了他。他的名字是邱X业。他是唯一的一位给我发现什么是爱的人。他的洋名是BRIAN，当我以为P的生活里不存在‘爱’时，他竟然给了我希望。当我认识他不久时，他曾经在信息里写道，也许我太想你了，我竟然梦见你在早上为我做早餐呢。当时，我真的很激动也流下泪了。实际上，当时我们还没见面就被他的甜言蜜语骗到了。当时，我为了他就放弃了真正爱我的人。
我们的爱情关系是很无聊的，他是霹雳人，但工作在外（KL）。2006年的父亲节是我们初次见面。过后，我们见面的时候就是很久以后了。当时，我和他的感情还算好，因为比较少见面的关系吧!其实，我们见面真的是很久很久的在能那么的一次。当时，我很爱着他也心想距离没什么大不了的。也就在距离和时间之间，我更爱他咯。好景也就不常在了，也许我给他的感觉腻了，4或5个月才回来的那么一次，他竟然不理我，70%家人25%朋友5%我。当时的我，很难过~但是我选择了别想那么多~始终情况越来越夸张甚至回来也没告诉我。在那么短短的一年里才那么辛苦的见面我维持到今天罢了。实际上，我和他的见面次数单单一个手也数得到。从2006的父亲节到2007的年中就开始没见面了。
算呀算，现在也是到了2009年的年中咯，就是说我们已经两年没见面了。什么是爱情呀，回到霹雳才那么的30分钟车程到我家真的很为难你吗？还有~在2009年7月8日的10点10分钟，其实在这天他也就回到霹雳了，一封信息也没发给我，但前天他有吩咐我帮他找一些连戏剧给他，刚好那间店今天没开，我就信息他把事情交待交待。但，他还是没回我。直到晚上的10点10分，他终于拨来了。说到，今晚有事不能信息你然后手机没电，所以不会回你的信息。（他知道我一向都是一个无厘头）我一向爱搞笑，就会他一句，你喜欢拉，你要和谁有成人艺术就和谁。然后，我就挂电。谁知，他竟然信息我说‘你让我很讨厌你’。如果，你为了那么的小事就说分手的话，那应该是我跟你说咯。几天前，我和朋友喝茶时，他问道在那里，我就回说在朋友那里，他也说过我和外人乱交啦，一些难听的性行为，其实，都是一些开玩笑。
实际上地说，我们之间都知道充满着无聊和欢乐~他就是说我给他吃死猫。他说什么都行，我就什么都不行加小心。这次说分开的也只不过为了一个朋友~我爱你的四年都白费了，之间的骂架和闹分手我都给你原谅，很多时候我故意把事带到身上，只为了你的那么一个笑。现在的我也不懂可以做些什么了~friends~ i am definitely don't know what to do~ i am never thought he will just because this little thing to get angry, some more wanna break with me~ am i right to leave him~ and i was like no more confidence in love jor~ all also depend on sex to be with u ~ sad

Complicated mood and feel

24th June 2009, i am really never thought will happen and become this condition. I will able stop my study and find a job now if possible will out of my home and stay out side. Might this is my fate, i wish to cry, but my eyedrop or tears non-stop kind coming out. Just wish to all my friends who are reading my blog of today, i might not online as frequence as before. My last spoke to my familly, i wont care u all anymore~ and my mum last spoke leave out from this familly, even i am die also out of here. OK fine, i will try my best make you all wish possibility. My mind is empty now, i don't know what to do, and don't where to stay even what kind of job i will to be it. But i swear, i will survive with all of this difficulty. I don't want to lose~ farewell friends.

erm... weird------>.<

What a bad day for me today, in Keris there have a lecturer that we are usually call her Miss Teh. She was look like quite emotion one loh~ always easy get angry and she can make a joke after on. Today she was asking all of us read and follow from the book and one by one. After my turn, she is asking IS THAT HE (ME) IS SPEAKING AND READING AS A MASALEH..... i am just surprice she asking this kind of question and answer Miss Teh, am i sound like them ONLY. She was like get mad and said WHO said you are sound like masaleh, just have a little bit same only. erm.... she was weird totally~ wanna praise some one but on the time she was like STEP some one also~>.< i am not that mean i wanna she praise on me, just the way she is communication to me really weird, dun you feel so ?? lolx Weird lecturer or teacher i see alot, but this kind of showing off and emotional person i am just second time meet! 1st time in olympia who with name Peter~ lol~

holiday = bored ????

During assignment time, i am always hope that can get a break time(break at least few days) but during exam time or nearby Exam, i will just hope that try to stop for the examination or else just start for the holiday. And now i am during this holidays, i am like feel soulless and hollow or void of my body. Erm..... Since i am really fat a lot, also plan for jogging to keeping my self fit. So far, in this week of holiday i had never do that. I just don't know what suppose to do. I wish to go Pangkok, Jungle, any Cave.. cave... erm... also hope can join any pastry or cookery classes. At least it will help me to SPENT my time. Actually im a person that like to be bored, i think consider as usual or use to be bored. So unexpected that i am nott weird any more, i felt that boring at home and wish can get something to do, something that are meaningful and helpfull too. I wish to travel, but no money >.<, so what should i do, now are left two more weeks, even i am asking for part time also can not get those job so sudden. haiz...... so bad ....... i dun like holiday any more ! T.T

What a Angry DAY....>.<

Sorry for i am Lazy to blogging ya. Haiz, after i went to.... erm... consider transfer to Keris College, my colorful life turning to dark ~ now going to Black some more. It was definitely to making me angry in this afternoon, am i childish or am i lowing EQ. I don't know at all, so i need you all help Fiona, Judee and Patricia. Try to tell me the true and let me change my bad habit. So, let start my story, yesterday nite ~ a Keris College student who added me in his msn. It is ok for me ~ than he is a gay. Still acceptale for me, but after we are chatting and knew that he is a PLAY BOY. Still ok for me u know... but honest i am telling him that i am dislike play boy as my friend. I told him i will Feel GELI. Then he said that i am so action in talking(typing in msn) the way i am. Ok, fine! I am trying to controling my temper, but honestly if he is not from Keris College i swear that been block + delete him damn million years ago. I have not to do that jus because of he and i are from Keris College now, Surely will meet up or see each other one day. So, i jus trying to prevent the bad condition happen (face kacau kacau or in cantonese is min zo zo). Soon, im Started to humber to him, i mean the way im chating, jus let him scold also smile with it. WHO KNOW, HE SAID IM WASTED HIS TIME AND FOOLING HIM. It was definitely BULL SHIT you know, how i am wastes his time right, some more how can i fooling him? Did you all feel that i am fooling him too ?? Then, he said im like wanna all people knew he is chating with me. Oh my god, i want all people knew for what, if you are a Jesus that might be let my friends know i think. He was like 'gek sei' me in this afternoon~ haiz~ i have to cut my hair now lah, olympia lovely frenz and pls comment bout me ok~ thx ya !! miss u all~

Avène

Last week, one of my friend introduce a facial wash for me. It with name Avène from France Paris. The name of Avène is from a village with name Avène. This products for specialist for sensitive skin and it is really get a lot of great feedback and results. Let me simply brief out history about Avène, It all began in 1736...The therapeutic use of Avène Thermal Spring Water goes back a long way, and for more than 250 years, Avène Thermal Spring Water has been recognized for its soothing and softening properties on Sensitive Skin.The curative powers of the water were discovered by chance when horse afflicted with severe skin rashes was cured after drinking and bathing in the water. The fame of the water from Avène spread for beyond the borders of France: Avène Thermal Spring Water was successfully used in treatment of severe burns after the Great Fire of Chicago in 1871. This healing water comes from Avène-les Bains (The Avène Baths) thermal spring in southern France, Which Has been declared to be of public benefit in the dermatology since 1874.Avène Thermal Spring Water takes in vital minerals and trace elements as it filters through the rocks of the River Orb Valley. After a subterranean journey lasting over 40 years, the water emerges at the spring, rich in soothing and softening properties. Its well-established properties, make Avène Thermal Spring Water the ideal care for sensitive skin. (The virtues of Avène Thermal Spring Water were discovered by chance and their properties remained a mystery for many years. Even today, its many qualities still contain secrets that yet to be revealed. ( i dono how 2 post pic ar.....)

What a fantastic day today!!

At olympia there, always can feel the pressure giving by our lecturer or examination. Then, after i go to Keris, i though local College, with local Certificate, sure learn local stuff isn't it? HAHA, but it is actually no, i found few of their lecturer also quite knowledgable, can compare with Mis Nurainie too. I like the way Mis Nurainie speaking and also they way she transfer her knowledge to us. This kind of skill that i cant found from Keris College ya!! Today, i found that a lot of pronunciation of F&B term that Mis Nurainie can't pronounce well, example like 'ambience' we read as 'm b en' and the real pronunciation is 'm b on' that is Mr. Azfar pronounce before at our front office class(1st time at M01 there) if you have atten the class also pay attention on that day. Except about that, i still got found a lot of other and funny pronunciation too. He is my F&B operation lecturer and he know a lot of french and italy language. It was so fun there, but i have no interesting at all. I love my friends at Olympia there, Fiona, Patricia, Judee, Kevin, Miki Yamamoto, Radin, Alfrad and Mis Nurainie Tan. Without you all, my life turning black and white again. Miss u all so much ya! muack~ Before i go, i explain why i am puting Fantastic as my title, because of the F&B lecturer very funny actually, after study 1 or 2 pages, he will started to asking question, recall out memory! Example, "what is liquor actaully" and keep said answer FAST FAST FAST. Once we answer him, he will giving us reward that a WORD 'FANTASTIC', fun right. Haha, ok lah, i have to stop here ya~ nite

Culinary Theory class ^^ (in Keris)

Culinary is mean kitchen or cook. It is study about the equipment, utensil or any small item in kitchen. Because of this is theory class, all just base on talk, talk and talk. But it is not boring at all, because of mostly 60% same as Olympia's Food studies sub. Dixon, Tong and I was proud in this sub, althought we are not fully paying attention on Mis Nurainie class before, we still can answer well in keris, almost 80%. HAHA, mis nurainie, we did it. We were study about the FOOD yesterday. The question is, why we need to cook the food. Cooking method having many type in our life, and we are saperate it into 2 classes, that is moist heat method and dry heat method. All of this also 'SUP SUP SUI' to us. But, once i get all my assignment, will stop blogging unless i finish it lah. Because im lazy mah. 

Keris College ~ * B+O+R+E+D*

Today is Wednesday 04 Feb 2009! In this half a year, i felt that been influen a sickness by Judee!! I get insomnia already! Yesterday night, after chating in msn then i plan to sleep at 12am. But i cant fall in sleep, and i have no choice to woke up again at 2am. Then i go to kitchen there, and make a glass milo. I am worry i will be fat, if take too much sweet thing before seep, just have no choice to make my Milo less sweet! After that Milo, if i have not mistaken, i am only can fall in sleep at 3am. Soon, 7a.m. later, my handphone alarm are ringing, haiz~ i jus been sleep for few hours only and wanna wake up to College!

Today is second days i am in Keris College! Today class is English and Social skill. I am exciting to learn this ENGLISH you know, because of before we are in Olympia College always under a pressure to enter the class. Why i wanna said so, because of i know that i have a very poor english level. Sometime will worry too, is that i can follow fiona pattricia or Ju dee they all. But, Today english class really ~!@#$$%, once i am enter the class i cant see any lecturer there, (actually i am late enter class) and after  5 to 10 minute only saw him rushing to enter our class. What a poor and bad impression to US(me bih tong and dixion) lol. I was jus relax there, after that, he giving us some paper to do some execrise loh, Who know he giving us fill in the blank with ' am is are' this kind u know. I am really gona faint there. Haha, but the worse is, i saw a guy there look like rooney, he was always show off there, think he is always the best that kind, EVEN rooney also better than him sometime, and tht FELLA fatter than rooney. WHAT a monster, Why lah i am hated fat guys so much.... i dono too haha~ ok lah, have to sleep now~ will be continue ya ~ hehe~

Last Day in Olympia College (22/01/2009 2030)

I am very happy today, although i have to leave. It is really a memorable last day in Olympia. Because of all of my buddy are giving me a good wishing. They all are always accompany me and giving they helping hand. They told me, if they have free will go to keris there and annd have lunch with me. Here can prove that, how good friends we are since only pass 2 semester. I am a noob person. Erm... consider as a innocent person i think. I love every off my friends, and treat them as good as my familly member loh. I am using my truely heart and pureness heart to treat them. That's why i can get the Believe from them. I belief, once i am out to work, i wont get any best friends or good friends anymore. As i know, in working condition, will only see 'War' in happening. My friends are calling me back now!!!! okie~ i have stop here now.... 2043!! i miss you and love u all my friends!! 

....

I am a perceptual and a emotion enrich person. When i was small erm... around 3 years oldi think. I am already having my own thinking and started to think what im wanna do to get completed.Just because of this case to make me under a 'bad condition'( think watever stuff always )It was hurt actually(feel from my body to my soul)and case me insomnia and start lie down on my bed at 10pm.... and it would be falling sleep at 12am and later, once im close my eyes, my brain will automatic functioning will try on remember what i had done well and failure or else to be defeated. What a nightmare for me right!! Then, when i was primary 4th  my teacher always asking us to read more newspaper  to get improve our Chinese(mandarine)(im in Chinese school when i was in primary school) and im still remember i am always read Guang Ming newspaper.(光明日报） Especially during every Wednesday, if im not mistaken there will add in a medic article. It was great u know, from there i was learn a lot of relaxing skill. In addition, i like to learn those stuff i think. haha.. But, all skills i learn before definitely can't help me at all, and once i close my eyes going 2 started think think and think... haiz... i read an article before, it was about dream and why a boy will get ' horny ' after wake up. It is usual actually, and why we will dreaming huh?? i believe that eveyone will dream right, but no one will ask  why will it happen. haha!!  So, let me explain to you all and why dreaming will happen to us. Erm... i try to use an easy way to explain lah, human same as a computer actually, when we are sleeping equal to a computer setting sleeping mode or hibernate mode. Between, a computer been set in sleep mode, but it is not off right,  and it is can be still functioning like ours brain. When a human or animal is sleeping, they will turn in two way, first one is turning in real sleep mode, sleeping while brain controling our lung keep breathing in and out also keep our hearth pumping. During this condition, as i mention just now too, brain was still functioning, if before a human or animal sleep are worry so much and keep a lot of worries, it will automatic effect our brain to 'recall' what we been worry bout the worries... and our brain will draw support from our memory there. Brain consider as a super complex thing lah, in memory part also can be seperate in few part again!! So, the words A B C we remember will store in deep memory state, and what we see and read's story book only in upper memory state. It is easy forget right. So, the 3rd part of memory system is like a button once we get from a extremely stimulate, the buttom will delete all memory. Therefore, the naughty brain will depend ours mind to go through and search  for the memory we are worry, at the same time it will bring out the image we been seen too.  Now, is the 2nd way to sleep. It is only animal can do so. During winter time, few or less of that aniamal will eat a lot of food, and storing their glucose in their body to prevent lack of nutrien in their body. But, the way they slept now same as the human way, because of they can be  in dead mode, and once they body can feel the worm from sunlight, their hearth only started pumping again!! Cool Right. haha. Okie lah, i don't know what i suppose to blog today, im just simply type and type ya... somemore the worse is out of topic already... haha... I will try on and depend on what i know, and share toagather with u all!!  ^^ tired now... hoho... byebye ya !!

erm... sad~~

haiz... actually im very enjoy in my college life! 
Because of Judee, Patricial, Fiona, Bih Tong and Dixion.
They all giving me a wonderful and memorable's memories!
No matter in entertainment, joke, play, meeting, lunch+ing, 
study, or chatering to Ham Sap topic, they will only very 
welcoming me to join with and share togather. But, once 
my frenz"bih tong" mention about Keris, my soul like giving 
something to break it. Why i will say so? The most important thing
is 'finance' problem. I am really hate to heard my dad and mum talk in phone 
with quarer kind. Anything also realated to $$$$ and because of it  
to make them in 'Cold War' condition. All of the topic my parents discuss
sure because of my study fees. Or else, ask my mum dun spents so much
try to save so!!! As our economic knowledge~ can we still save money in this nowaday!The answer is IMPOSSIBLE ok!! That is why im look forKeris college. Regardless of facilities, equipments, lecturers, class room, gym room and so so so on! Just 
anything also better in Olympia College! Except the very caring
and knowledgeble lecturer 'Miss Nurainie Tan'. i do not wish to go
just because of i hv no choice and don't wanna giving any shoulder
to my parents. I am definitely can not using any desscriptive adjective to descrip
myself. I am really empty in my brain and thinkless now!
What conclusion i might to do and should do~
...........................