I love you

What a long time do not update to my blog here. An unhappy thing been happen to me again. My heart is deeply hurt by some one. The one who i love is a very nice guy, he is very caring and lovely. I do to Love him very much, but 2009 Dec 10, he sms to me and told me that 'can we be a good friend.' I knew him from internet with Tagged webpage. I still remember first day we know each other, if i am not mistaken it was nearby end of Jun 2009. Firstly, we do msn every day and i am very lucky that he will be back to home town too. He ask me from msn, would you like to meet me as well. I was like so exciting and answer to him, ya sure. He is looking cute from msn's cam. Once we meet, it was like super different from cam there. And he is very handsome for me.

We are started attach. He is caring enough. But he did ask me for a question, erm... is that we are attach too fast and rush? i told him, No! It's not, i do to love you. No matter the condition is going to be tough, i will still be your side. I am REALLY love you. I even told him when we are argue, argue mean to something happen. If problem occur between of us, we need to solve it as well. Because we are a couple, nothing can break our relationship.

Dec 10th 2009, he was send me a message. It's mean to asking me to be friend with him. I was crying on that day, why would it going to be. He is scold me before, he said i am very hot temper and super emotion. I am just thinking, because of i am loving you and caring you only will worry until angry. Am i really love to being that, IT'S NOT. 11th Dec 2009, he came to look for me, and bring some calender to me. It's from Genting. I bring him back to my bed room and siting face to face with him. I am shock because of he is Crying in front of me. I though he is still loving me. And who know, he told me he had a new boy friend out side. I am keep asking, does him working in Genting too? he said yes. I am continue asking, how long you both been together. He answer, just few day.

I am just wonder WHY?? I with him been 5 months, and i will lose to a guy who just knew few days??? The much hurt i get after knew that. But, i am still very love you Xyven.

I can't found any point for myself to stay alive. If i choose for the 'Last Choice' and i will not be here. I do hope to donate out all my organ for others. My wallet there got a Organ Donate card, wish you all let my mum know if i am not here and respect to my idea. I love you friends. I am really love you all very much.

代替品

没有了爱的感觉不敬是孤单，甚至是寂寞的开始，有如同掉进一个无底深潭般的。但是，我总觉得没有爱比有爱的舒服的。为什么我会着呢说呢... ... 我就先来解释一下我自己的需要。我本人是一个绝对型自私的人（在爱情里)我往往会希望我的另一半天天伴与我的身边于左右。也许，我的目标不是女性，打个比方说~女性天生于长情，几乎比较转情和不易再挑目标(意思指不会烂交），所以天天提心吊胆，甚至会有着多余的空想。我的空想是担心他会跑去其他人身上寻找娱乐，我这圈子在所难免会有这样的事情发生。就算发生了，也只不过是家常便饭似的。我也清楚自己不帅也不是什么副家公子。所以，我会时常说‘爱情=金钱+性爱+样子’。我所提到的通通都没有。埃，真是可怜的小鬼呀。
在前几天，我再网络上认识了一个人，在msn上不怎么放自己的照片，但还好他会开视讯。感觉他好好的，我发脾气他会拨电给我，和我聊使我开心的。不久，他回Kampar放假了，他约我去见个面和聊咯，我也答应了。说起来，我也大概两年多没有见网友了。当我看见他时，我会有着很紧张的心情呢！他很帅，笑起来更甜的很，我实在用不着任何形容词曲形容他。第二天，我比较懒惰出去，所以叫他来我家座座较好。当他来到时，他的却是座，但是在我的房间咯，他发觉我不感看他的眼神了，就不断弄我，好像突然伸个头来啦，或是用近距离望我呢！就是因为它太可爱德关系，我很想抱他的。就在我无法控制自己的时候，当他把头伸前来弄我就亲了他。很怀念的感觉回来了，那就是他把我抱紧。应该是太激动吧，眼泪掉了，因为太久没有那感觉了。就从那晚，我对他有了感觉。然后，第三天，他说会和他的朋友去Pangkok岛玩。当时，心情有些忐忑不安，不懂他的朋友是男是女。他会乱来吗？他的朋友会乱来吗？但是，那么近应该也不会有什么事情的。当天，他突然信息我，说道‘我的朋友把我骗了，现在我已经看见槟城的大桥了’。这时，心情开始差了。不久，他又来一封信息，说道会和朋友去clubing。据我所知，槟城是在大马排行第三多gay的州属。这次残了，我多余的空想又开始和我开玩笑了。接着的第二天，他还没回来，甚至到海边了。然后，第三天才回。不过，第三天也会去ipoh那里clubing呢！我的心突然有一种像是没有心跳的感觉。我很担心，我怕我会把他当成代替品。我的初恋。我应该继续爱他吗？或者把它忘掉呢？他会是个playboy吗？或者是每当我遇到爱情就变成天真吗？还是我想得太多吗？Gay的世界是在让我有些恐惧感了，如果说我这次再被骗的话，爱这个字就应该不可能再次出现在我的心中了。开始讨厌自己了，为什么我会是gay呢？（我的华语很差哦，应该会写错很多字的，我现在此说声抱歉哦）

erm....

其实,我很喜欢读部落格的咯,但是我懒惰写>.< 所以至今，大概有一两个月没写啦。希望大家多多包含呢！！

我现在很辛苦

在我的生活中，我往往被称为是一个'冷血'动物的。在感觉方面，我可以很无情的也可以很没有感觉的。但是，我的爱情故事就是从2006年的父亲节前的两个星期前开始。在我的故事开始之前，已经有着一个小小的故事了~
当时的我也是在2006年的3月多开始，由一位朋友~命名为吴X顺。他是第一个真心爱我的人（因该是吧）当时的我，十分享受被爱的感觉~其实我也慢慢被他的爱而感染了，就是叻我已爱上他了。他是在这世上我看见的最有爱心和可爱到不得了的一个男生。当时，他快要到MMU那里。所以我们又经常见面，很担心他走了后就很少见面。再加上~我本人成为‘同志’那么久，所以叻大概大概会知道某些学院或大学里的关系和情况。比如说~Malacca的MMU被称为有一定多的P的大学。（P是指同志PLU的意识）或者霹雳州的金宝KTAR也是很出名的多P。
就有一天，我有位朋友介绍一个人给我认识~当事我们还蛮健谈，也无意中的爱上了他。他的名字是邱X业。他是唯一的一位给我发现什么是爱的人。他的洋名是BRIAN，当我以为P的生活里不存在‘爱’时，他竟然给了我希望。当我认识他不久时，他曾经在信息里写道，也许我太想你了，我竟然梦见你在早上为我做早餐呢。当时，我真的很激动也流下泪了。实际上，当时我们还没见面就被他的甜言蜜语骗到了。当时，我为了他就放弃了真正爱我的人。
我们的爱情关系是很无聊的，他是霹雳人，但工作在外（KL）。2006年的父亲节是我们初次见面。过后，我们见面的时候就是很久以后了。当时，我和他的感情还算好，因为比较少见面的关系吧!其实，我们见面真的是很久很久的在能那么的一次。当时，我很爱着他也心想距离没什么大不了的。也就在距离和时间之间，我更爱他咯。好景也就不常在了，也许我给他的感觉腻了，4或5个月才回来的那么一次，他竟然不理我，70%家人25%朋友5%我。当时的我，很难过~但是我选择了别想那么多~始终情况越来越夸张甚至回来也没告诉我。在那么短短的一年里才那么辛苦的见面我维持到今天罢了。实际上，我和他的见面次数单单一个手也数得到。从2006的父亲节到2007的年中就开始没见面了。
算呀算，现在也是到了2009年的年中咯，就是说我们已经两年没见面了。什么是爱情呀，回到霹雳才那么的30分钟车程到我家真的很为难你吗？还有~在2009年7月8日的10点10分钟，其实在这天他也就回到霹雳了，一封信息也没发给我，但前天他有吩咐我帮他找一些连戏剧给他，刚好那间店今天没开，我就信息他把事情交待交待。但，他还是没回我。直到晚上的10点10分，他终于拨来了。说到，今晚有事不能信息你然后手机没电，所以不会回你的信息。（他知道我一向都是一个无厘头）我一向爱搞笑，就会他一句，你喜欢拉，你要和谁有成人艺术就和谁。然后，我就挂电。谁知，他竟然信息我说‘你让我很讨厌你’。如果，你为了那么的小事就说分手的话，那应该是我跟你说咯。几天前，我和朋友喝茶时，他问道在那里，我就回说在朋友那里，他也说过我和外人乱交啦，一些难听的性行为，其实，都是一些开玩笑。
实际上地说，我们之间都知道充满着无聊和欢乐~他就是说我给他吃死猫。他说什么都行，我就什么都不行加小心。这次说分开的也只不过为了一个朋友~我爱你的四年都白费了，之间的骂架和闹分手我都给你原谅，很多时候我故意把事带到身上，只为了你的那么一个笑。现在的我也不懂可以做些什么了~friends~ i am definitely don't know what to do~ i am never thought he will just because this little thing to get angry, some more wanna break with me~ am i right to leave him~ and i was like no more confidence in love jor~ all also depend on sex to be with u ~ sad

Complicated mood and feel

24th June 2009, i am really never thought will happen and become this condition. I will able stop my study and find a job now if possible will out of my home and stay out side. Might this is my fate, i wish to cry, but my eyedrop or tears non-stop kind coming out. Just wish to all my friends who are reading my blog of today, i might not online as frequence as before. My last spoke to my familly, i wont care u all anymore~ and my mum last spoke leave out from this familly, even i am die also out of here. OK fine, i will try my best make you all wish possibility. My mind is empty now, i don't know what to do, and don't where to stay even what kind of job i will to be it. But i swear, i will survive with all of this difficulty. I don't want to lose~ farewell friends.

erm... weird------>.<

What a bad day for me today, in Keris there have a lecturer that we are usually call her Miss Teh. She was look like quite emotion one loh~ always easy get angry and she can make a joke after on. Today she was asking all of us read and follow from the book and one by one. After my turn, she is asking IS THAT HE (ME) IS SPEAKING AND READING AS A MASALEH..... i am just surprice she asking this kind of question and answer Miss Teh, am i sound like them ONLY. She was like get mad and said WHO said you are sound like masaleh, just have a little bit same only. erm.... she was weird totally~ wanna praise some one but on the time she was like STEP some one also~>.< i am not that mean i wanna she praise on me, just the way she is communication to me really weird, dun you feel so ?? lolx Weird lecturer or teacher i see alot, but this kind of showing off and emotional person i am just second time meet! 1st time in olympia who with name Peter~ lol~

holiday = bored ????

During assignment time, i am always hope that can get a break time(break at least few days) but during exam time or nearby Exam, i will just hope that try to stop for the examination or else just start for the holiday. And now i am during this holidays, i am like feel soulless and hollow or void of my body. Erm..... Since i am really fat a lot, also plan for jogging to keeping my self fit. So far, in this week of holiday i had never do that. I just don't know what suppose to do. I wish to go Pangkok, Jungle, any Cave.. cave... erm... also hope can join any pastry or cookery classes. At least it will help me to SPENT my time. Actually im a person that like to be bored, i think consider as usual or use to be bored. So unexpected that i am nott weird any more, i felt that boring at home and wish can get something to do, something that are meaningful and helpfull too. I wish to travel, but no money >.<, so what should i do, now are left two more weeks, even i am asking for part time also can not get those job so sudden. haiz...... so bad ....... i dun like holiday any more ! T.T